Hank McCoy (Before the Fur)
I hate Christmas.
Really, I do. I mean, I know some of you out there are saying “Oh, I get it, I have a stressful family too buddy.” But I mean I’ve begun to hate Christmas on it's own merits as well. It's just been this slow burn where I hate Christmas more and more every year.
But then I thought to myself- why should I be the only one with all this angst on Christmas? Like any good scrooge, I should share the misery, right?
So I present to you the laundry list of comic books that I hate. For years I have walked through comic book stores and sneered at these titles and their many (nowadays, very many) brethren. You can think of this column as “The ghost of comic books past, present, and future that I can’t stand” if that helps.
Let the pain begin!
(Blank): The Movie: The Comic Book Adaptation - …I don’t get it.
Who buys this? Why do they buy it? Can they not afford to go see the movie? Or maybe they feel like they need to slow stuff down?
More likely they’re one of those OCD-esque collectors who has every piece of material goods ever made for a single licensed concept, like Star Wars, or Transformers, or whatever, shoved in some storage bin outside of their house. Rest assured, if they manage to form some kind of personal, satisfying relationship they will insist to their spouse that they have a “theme wedding” in keeping with their licensed obsession. This may range from the blushing bride wearing an authentic piece of clothing worn by Carrie Fisher or Natalie Portman and sold on ebay, to inviting the voice-actors from 80s cartoon shows to conduct the wedding. At least, I suspect as much. I’ve never been.
I’m going to school for psychology and I look forward to working with the children of such couples.
(Blank): The Movie Prequel - Okay, DON’T be that guy. The guy who goes out and reads this comic, and then when you’re in the movie theater with your friends and you see one character or another say something, you turn to them in the middle of the movie and you’re all like: “OOOHHH, see, you gotta read the comic, because the character who just said that met with expanded universe character X, Y, and Z just before this movie got started….” and so on.
Do you really think the director of this movie was corresponding with whatever Jack-Kirby-school-intern got the assignment to write or draw this comic? Like do you think the director is sitting there with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt or something, saying “okay, I just had my face-to-face conference with the comic book writer of the prequel, so really, we need to make the following script changes…” The Wachowski brothers, George Lucas- maybe. Other than that? Please.
T and A books - Oh, you know the ones I’m talking about. There are so many these days. I’m not going to name names, lest I insult the delicate sensibilities of many companies. Usually, comic books and sexual frustration go together hand in hand. There are, however, gross limits within which such phenomenon should occur.
Here are a couple of things I’ve learned from T and A books, though-
- Men are either sadistic predators, or total losers. There is no in-between.
- All women, everywhere, dress and act like pornstars. Literally, all of them. Also, all women, everywhere, have an amazing rack and wear clothing that emphasizes cleavage.
- Ultimately, women are not attracted to men because women are all bi-curious. Women are ten times more likely to survive a combat situation than men are.
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