Hank McCoy (Before the Fur)

Today's column is likely sexist and offensive. So, now that that’s out of the way- Wonder Woman is so freaking hot. I’m just saying what we’re all thinking. There are others- Power Girl, She-Hulk, Black Canary, Black Cat, Catwoman…but at the end of the day, I think we all know who the hottest, fictional-woman-whose-body-image-probobly-isn’t-a-healthy-or-realistic-representation is. I’m back on this subject again, because I’m thinking about the movie again. To recap? I can’t believe they bailed out on Joss Whedon. I can’t believe Warner Brothers (or anyone) doesn’t just give the man anything he wants to make a movie, assured that people will love it. But now DC is trying to crank out some new franchise movies, in the hopes to compete with the whole Avengers thing Marvel is putting together. So Whedon or not, the Wonder Woman movie will probably get made- sometimes, somewhere. It’s in development hell right now, so to speak: so maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow…but eventually, you’ll see that thing. But you know what I think the biggest problem they’re gonna have is? She’s too freaking hot. Who can play this woman? The right actress to play Wonder Woman would be something akin to a real life Jessica Rabbit- that is, a Frankenstein of different women’s body parts and characteristics. The actress who plays Wonder Woman would need to be as beautiful as Jennifer Connelly, come across as refined and wordly like Catherine Zeta Jones, look like she could kick your @ss like Lucy Lawless in an episode of Xena: Warrior Princess, and have the body of a playboy bunny. Who is going to play said woman? And DON’T say Angelina Jolie. I’m sorry, I like Angelina Jolie, but just…I’m not suggesting we slam her in this role JUST BECAUSE Angelina Jolie plays every role along these lines, ever. I mean, there are other ways to spin the character- instead of a six and a half foot amazon, she can be surprisingly-limber-and-strong dainty royalty. I mean, that’s a whole other mess of stereotypes to contend with- but still, it’s another way to do the character in a movie. But even then? I still don’t know who would be right for that role. At best, a no name. Of course, the other problem people are going to have with a Wonder Woman movie is…well, feminism. That is, not that feminists every where are going to freak out about a Wonder Woman movie. Just some of them. I mean, think about what I’ve written in this column so far- how the hell is the character I’m describing a healthy role model for young women? The rub is in considering just what elements of…well, women…that Wonder Woman is going to represent. As much as I wouldn’t hesitate to run out and watch a film that played into my adolescent fantasies regarding strong, beautiful, assertive types, the real trick is to get the movie to appeal to women. Of course, last time I checked, this was kind of the rub in feminism itself- there isn’t the best consensus on what being a feminist really means. And depending on who you talk to, comic book superheroines are symptomatic of liberation or everything that was ever oppressive and hurtful towards women and the messages they get. I mean, a lot of Diana’s story is about Ancient Greece-esque stuff. And partly, I’m picturing the movie as a little bit more Gladiator than The Dark Knight. But still, as the first female character to ever have her own comic book (pretty sure about this?), what she represents to women…you’d be crazy to not make a movie and consider this, carefully. Or is that not fair to the character? I can never make up my mind. Do we ask “what does Spider-man mean, to men?” Maybe a good Dungeons and Dragons romp with a playboy bunny material actress wearing revealing clothing is what that comic book is really about. Okay, that was a gross distortion- but you know what I mean. Is just the story, alone, enough? Or is it the implications that you really need to think about? Wonder Woman doesn’t have the most enticing rogue's gallery, but she has a couple of standbys that I think could work- Circe, Dr. Psycho… But my new favorite, and who I think is a great foil for the character, goes by the name Veronica Cale. Cale doesn’t have any superpowers. But I will say this- she’s kind of, everything that women are…supposed to be…in the hotly misogynist view of the world. I almost can’t put it into words. But it’s like…she uses the fantasy that men usually have about women like her to get what she wants. She’s harsh, deceitful, and power hungry. It’s like she represents everything that thousands of years of oppression turn women into. She sees herself as the pinnacle of feminism, but in a lot of ways she buys into all of those things that help keep women oppressed, ultimately. Now I know this makes a Wonder Woman movie dangerously similar to a Superman movie, whose chief rival is already “just a guy, who happens to have a starkly opposite ideology of the hero.” I mean, making “Wonder-Woman” and “Super-man” movies without distinguishing features is a recipe for disaster. But still, I think a villain who can be like a scary, rebellious catholic schoolgirl one minute, Betty Crocker the next, and a criminal mastermind the third makes for a particularly good villain. Of course, the problem is all in the execution. Maybe a good Wonder Woman movie isn’t going to answer a lot of questions about feminism- just ask them. My favorite bit about Cale in the comics is that she is so staunchly devoted to the idea that deep down, Wonder Woman is full of it. She has got to be “playing the game,” the way Cale does- smiling for the cameras, pretending to be someone she isn’t. So, in a way, maybe Cale is just a good candidate for a character who literally proposes what some people ultimately WILL in real life about Wonder Woman- that she isn’t a good role model. Not saying she is or isn’t myself- just musing about the dynamics of the movie. I really think this might be the best way to go- break the fourth wall a little and comment on the character, in the movie. Or just amazons wearing revealing clothing. I’d be fine with that too.